The Tired Sounds of a Memory

This is going to sound redundant because it is : The past has come to affect every little aspect of what I am presently doing. Stupid right? I mean, that's a given. If I didn't perform X jumping off the starting line of A, I wouldn't be at B. I've been considering the cases where time is illusion, but not because of the whimsical, fluxuating illusions a movie can bestow. Quite the opposite. When time becomes an illusion because of heartbreak. Because of real life obstacles. Because of heavy matters some alternate universe or string theory can't resolve. When "from point A to B" is completely concrete and concrete enough to where the body cannot withstand it anymore, screams in pain, and with the shockwave of forced harmony tears a hole in everything he or she considered formal. This is the rejection of a memory. Of what's to be expected of learning from the past.

Take for instance a pre-determined marriage by religion or other arrangements. That's using the future to affect the present, even though those are circumstances instigated in the past. They still exist in the future as moments to be acted upon, though variables can alter that just as easy. Such as a simple disagreement over wallpaper or the accidental 'murder'. Nethertheless, the future is commanding the present. Now expand that logic further. "If I don't pay that bill on time, I'll lose the apartment." "I need to be to work on time or I'll lose my job." "I have a nice date tonight. Please make it work this time." Turns out, we're not in fact affected solely by the past, but a fluctuating ellipse that revolves around the space of the present. The past is commanding the future to exist. The future reminds the present to reinvestigate the past, which is valuable information on how to act upon the future.

I suppose what I want to say is... I'm tired of this safe place. In the past. Where my memories are keeping me alive in this cold, dead place I percieve as the world. I think the world is dead. For reasons for another writing to discuss. But I'm tired of that. So tired of dreaming the nearly-but-not-so actualization of dreams alive as the present, but not having a future to give it the birth of day. My heart is broken. I see the illusion of time as I see the future is illusion, for someone who lives in the past. Can't say I even live in the present. I may be already dead. I know I've become a ghost to some people. But I wanna make my own future. Can I do that? Not just dream a dead dream to a shell of a life... But live a life that could influence the dreams of society. I wouldn't mind that. Memories turn cold after a while and freeze in place. No changing those things. I can rest with my memories when I'm resting eight feet under. I won't be able to do shit about my future then.